Friday, Dec 02, 2022

Two to Tango: When you put your friends before your partner

We are often not aware about when we started to let other things and people take precedence over our partners.

Sharing my pictures with friends always ends the same What couples sometimes don’t realise that the resentment is not because the partner is having a good time, but because there seems no place for the partner in the scheme of things. (Source: Thinkstock Images)

Most marriages begin with lots of romance and love, and one feel things will never change. But somewhere along the way the romance dies and love goes out of the window, with most couples being totally clueless about why things turned out that way.

The truth is, the signs are always there but one often fails to take note or take them seriously. WE, often, are not aware about when we started to let other things and people take precedence over our partners. It’s very natural for couples to get into a comfort zone where you feel you can deal with other issues/things/people at hand and then getting down to attending to your partner.

That is how distances creep in and partners grow apart.

This is what happened with Sonam and Kartik. When they got married one thing they would love to do is to go out together. But that changed when they got married and got busy with the daily grind of life. With parenthood, things changed further, with the two spending less and less time together. “We would try and slot our time at home in a way that one of us could be there with our child. But, in the process, we began spending less and less time with one another and before we knew it, we were quite comfortable just being there under the same roof, instead of being with one another,” says Sonam.

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Experts say that managing important things in life is necessary but nothing can undermine the importance of the time a couple needs to spend together in order to keep a relationship going. When people start putting one another on the backburner and taking care of other things at the cost of “togetherness”, then cracks are bound to appear.

Take the case of Jia and Atul, who started having regular differences because Jia felt Atul was putting his friends over her all the time. “Every weekend when I would be waiting for him to spend some time together, he would invariable message to say that he would be little late since he was catching up with some friends or colleagues for a drink after work. I felt miserable and hurt that featured nowhere in his priorities. He should have thought about spending time with me on the weekend than with his friends,” she says.

Atul, however, fails to see his fault in any of this. “I also get only the weekend to meet my friends and relax with them over a few drinks. What’s wrong with that for heaven’s sake? I really don’t think it’s such a big deal. But every time I go out with them she throws a fit,” he rues.

Read other Two to Tango columns here.


Counsellors say that this is one of the common reasons why most couples fight. What they don’t realise is that the outbursts and resentment are not due to the fact that the partner is having a good time, but because there seems no place for the partner in the scheme of things. It is that feeling of hurt, of being left out, of not being a priority for the partner that causes fissures to happen.

Psychologists also say that it’s very easy to take each other for granted and very difficult to continue treating one another as priority, as time passes. But the key is to continue making your partner feel special, feel important and feel like they matter. It’s all about ultimately prioritizing your relationship over anything else – or anyone else.

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First published on: 14-03-2016 at 04:28:49 pm
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