It all begins with a bang, but in most cases settles down into a whimper. Yes, marriages can often undergo changes that one barely notices if one does not pay attention. It’s sad but true that many couples who were head over heels in love with one another suddenly start avoiding each other and realise they can’t connect anymore.
Take the case of Mina and Shubham. When Shubham left his job and started his own work, lots of things changed between the couple. Mina, who continued with her regular job, somehow found herself lost when Shubham would speak to her about the nitty-gritty’s involved.
“He would come up with problems regarding the trade tax, the IT returns, the problem with the printer – and it all was all Greek to me. I could not understand any of it and gradually, I started avoiding sitting with him for long chats. At best we would spend time watching TV or going out socializing where we had fun in a big group and I didn’t have to hear about any of those things I did not understand.”
Shubham on the other hand resented her lack of interest in his work and his new problems.”I needed her to be there for me. Who else could I share my frustration, my fears, my uncertainties regarding my work with? I really resented her for being so disinterested and disconnected,” he said.
Experts say that resentment is like a worm that eats into the relationship. But if the partners start feeling disconnected it’s not just resentment that sets in, but even love goes out of the window.
This is what happened with Shubham and Mina. Gradually he stopped sharing things with her and with Mina not showing any interest in his work and his problems, the state of disconnect led to a chasm that began to ultimately threaten their relationship.
Counsellors say that partners must talk about the growing disconnect between them before it reaches a point of no return. The partner who cannot understand the other’s situation must come clean and let the other partner know that the lack of interest has nothing to do with the partner but with the fact that you can’t understand the details. At least that way there would be no hard feelings.
Therapists add that the key to dealing with such situations is for both partners to be willing to work at issues that are leading to distance between the couples. Making an effort to understand the other shows you are ready to take responsibility for what might create a misunderstanding and miscommunication.